同 級 生

I am going to Uganda...

I am going to Uganda - a pearl of Africa.
Notorious Idi Amin was left the country more than 25 years ago, but people still think Uganda is a dangerous place to go -Yes, there are still civil war in the North of the country.

I have got vaccinations of HAV, HBV, Yellow fever (once, got a certificate), Rabies (3 times within a month), typhoid. I am going to take tablets against Malaria Mefloquine once a week starting a week before the travel and vontinue 4 weeks after come back.

Some people ask me why I want to go such a dangerous place with a lot of difficult and nuisance preparation, and they don't listen to my answer. They don't want to know, or they just feel different from me.

A new life has started

Today, just at this moment, I feel that my new life has just started. I finished 1-year overseas training scheme, qualified with full registration. So what's next! My life with him has lasted for 3 months and now all turning into memory - as he said, become treasure.

I will remember him and recall the memory time to time as if you have a treasure box which you never show the content to anybody else. I will look at my precious memory from this angle and that angle, then after a while, I will just put it back into the box. That gives me a smile and warmth, then I can go on.

My life - now full of difficulties without money - has at least a lot of joy. I told him that I am not a domestic animal anymore but a wild one. A wild animal which can search his own food (usually better food!), can go anywhere if wanted, can see different flowers, can see different scenery, can feel different air and wind, and freedom. If - if there is if- I have met you when I was 20s and still I fell in love with you, I might enjoy everything with you. But now I am in my 30s with a lot of different experience, I don't think I am suited to you. I definitely established my own style, and I know what I like and what I don't like. I can live with you probably at the longest a year, then we both will look at each other, say, enough. I know you told me that once you are married you will stay with your partner for life, because marriage is not for fun but for families. You are such a religious person and I am not. You are a conservative and capitalist, but I am not. You told me no global warming but I said yes. Will you listen to me? Will you eat my favourite rasberries and strawberries? Will you watch my favourite DVDs and discuss about films? No, No, and NO.

Ah. Despite all the facts I can not live with you, I still dream of you. Your low voice - saying babe, saying yeah, saying please - my heart starts pounding and I will be very wet in a short time. What an irony! What a pity! Why sexually suited partner sometimes not suit a real life partner.

Bryan Adams - Flying

If you ever feel like you're gonna fall - oh I'll be there
And if you ever feel down or feel small - oh don't despair
And if you ever feel lost or feel alone - babe c'mon home

Let's just make love - all night
Let's just hold on - so tight
Let's make it last - for life
I won't let you go

Yeah we're flying - feels just like flying
We're such a long way up - from the ground
Just you and me flying - so high 'n I'm never gonna come down

Every time you turn around and wanna run - oh come to me
When every little dream comes undone - oh don't worry

Let's just make love - all night
Let's just hold on - so tight
Let's make it last - for life
I won't let you go

Yeah we're flying - feels just like flying
We're such a long way up - from the ground
Just you and me flying - so high 'n I'm never gonna come down

Ooooh, Let's just make love - all night
Let's just hold on - so tight
Let's make it last - for life
I won't let you go

Yeah we're flying - feels just like flying
We're such a long way up - from the ground
Ya we're flying (ya we're flying)- feels just like flying (feels just like flying)
We're such a long way up - from the ground
Yeah we're flying so high and,
We're never gonna come down:you and me

click here to listen

【PR】

If...

I am now afraid of me being pregnant. I should know by the middle of this month. He told me that I should prepare for that, in a cool voice, without any special emotion. I was almost about starting crying as such a thought is really awful to think about. Why awful? Because it is going to be a big scandal. The baby will have obvious black skin with curly hair. Anybody can see his/her father is a black person somewhere in the world, and I must had some relationship without telling to anybody.

When I was ironing my cloths this morning, I was thinking - I probably going to give a birth to this child. Then, I will send him a brief email that I have got your baby. Your baby is born. It is likely that I will be a single mother. I can not ask him to get married to me. In any case I don't know whether I want to. My thought drifts, and I can see I can send this baby to his home sometime future. He/she has a right to see his/her father. That would be nice. It is complicated situation and it is going to tough for both of us. But I think I can survive. So many years, I wanted have a baby anyway.

Then my heart become lighter. Now I have decided. Now I made my mind.

Sam, don't worry. You may feel sorry for me, or you may find nuisance to deal with all these kind of difficult stuff. I know you are about to start a new life and you have already one daughter to take care of. when I have heard about your daughter's story, at first, I felt so sad thinking about this little princess without having a real father with her. I wouldn't want to have my child is being that situation, but, when I looked at the photo of this little girl, I thought she looked so beautiful and I envied. I want to have a daughter like her, even the situation is not as straight forward. I can not terminate the new life, if there is one in my body and I have decided I am going to take care of my child.

Dance

I can not dance, I am no-good. I don't feel comfortable in a disco or night club at all. Very noisy sound and a lot of drums just make me feel that I am in a wrong place, as if I am a wild animal and somebody caught me and put into a very artificial zoo. I don't know why you are such a city person. I can guess there must be a huge amount of great nature in your country. Are you ignoring all the nature surrounding you? Why can you open your curtain in your room and see sunset? Why can you put the Tele off and listen to the sound of the sea? Why can't you?

Please stop watching the Tele box in the morning when we just got up from the sweet dream we saw together? I want to hear your voice, or sound you make when we are together. Mechanical sound will just destroy the atmosphere, don't you think so?

Life goes on

Clear blue sky. As if everything has cleared with a lot of rain yesterday, my mind is mush less painful then yesterday, maybe because of this nice sun-shine. I try to remember why I was so upset last night and why I was crying by myself, but I can not feel a lot. I have already lost a sense of sadness. Instead, I blame myself as being such a cold person. No, maybe, it meant be like this. Things become past in second and life is going on. I can not stay in one place.

But Sam, how are you doing? Everytime I see you, you used to ask me 'are you alright?' and I always say 'yes'. I always wanted to say 'no' to you so that you can offer me something more. I am alright, Sam. I am fine now. I slept 12 hours last night and my palpitation has stopped completely. I can see you very calm as if nothing has changed. I can see you as if nothing can bother you so much, you just walk and do whatever you need to.

Have you ever saw my video in your mobile phone again? If so, I want to know what you thought about it and I just want to hear from you, although I know you are not going to send me anything.

Missing you... Missing you...

I have left, Yes, No, I had to do that.

We can not going on and on like that forever. I am physically exhausted. I have noticed funny palpitations in my chest, skipping heart beat and telling me my heart is there which may be some alarming sign. I prepared well. I planned everything. I bought a card, I printed a letter, and I know what I should to say to him before I leave.

He invited me a casual dinner with a glass of red wine and his favorite thai food in the city center. Again, he was smartly dressed in a pale-blue shirt, smiling warmly, and I just could not stop admiring him.You can imagine if you saw us in the restaurant, it could be an ordinary day of just one summer in the early evening, enjoying dinner with one of your friends, but this wasn't just an ordinary evening for us. This was the last supper for us, most likely, I will never have a chance to eat with him again for a long time. We both knew that in pain, but surprisingly, we were very cheerful and had a lot of fun.

I have already decided that I am going to stay in his bed for the whole night until next morning. In a single small bed, two of us squeezed. It is not very comfortable as you can imagine, but I always wanted to do so. I wanted to do so because he never liked me to leave in the middle of night going back to my room.It is a small thing but that is one of his good characters I liked. That night, I was ecstatic. I was not only sexually excited, but also I was filled by a special feeling to him. Even I was aware that this is going to be the last occasion of making love with him, it was not sad at all -just very warm and comfortable.

All the words I prepared which I wanted to say to him, just could not come out in the morning of farewell. I thought I was going to cry, but I wasn't either. Again, his warm chest and hands, I was just nodding and listening of his low voice. All the best. What else can we say?

I was in my thought of him in a long time on the way back to my home. No music, No radio. Silence. I was thinking and thinking and then my heart become very very hollow without feeling. After 3 hours drive, I went straight into my bed at home and had a good sleep. I knew a good sleep always cures you and makes you feel better. I wanted have an energy back to me. Then now, stupid of me, I am crying out of him - Missing you...and just missing you.